• home
• writing
• editing
• Mud
• about
• photo gallery
• the bloggery
• the vineyard
• contact

Return to Archives

The Chips of Dorito

September 02, 2006

Snarking about Doritos some weeks back I complained that the Doritos people (aka the Frito-Lay people) had homogenized their packaging so that you had to read the fine print (relatively fine: it's at least 24 point, but we're talking big bags here) to see what flavor you were getting. I'm happy to report that the steel gray background color was either a transitional phase or the misperception of my admittedly funky eyesight. The two-for-$5 deal is back at Cumberland Farms so the evidence is right here in my apartment: Black Pepper Jack indeed comes in a steel gray bag -- black pepper -> gray bag; seems appropriate, no? --and Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch comes in a vibrant blue that's somewhere between royal and teal.

Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch? These are new. The appeal of the Blazin' Buffalo (I'm a big fan of the suicide buffalo wings at Coop de Ville) outweighed the recoil from (Cool) Ranch, so I took a chance. Good move. They're satisfyingly spicy and the ranch factor is barely tasteable in the mix. But Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch? Who came up with the name? I see buffalo romping through a split-level and maybe pausing to graze the azaleas, all filmed by Mel Brooks. A disconcerting sight.

Actually the name seems to be Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch™ BRAND ("brand" is in small caps). That's what it says on the front, and that's what it says on the rightmost third of the back. This is worth quoting in full:

RIP OPEN A BAG OF THE
DORITOS® BRAND BLAZIN'
BUFFALO & RANCH­­™ BRAND
FLAVOR TORTILLA CHIPS
YOU CRAVE.

EXPERIENCE THAT BALLISTIC
DORITOS® BRAND CRUNCH AS IT
UNLEASHES AN EXPLOSION OF
BUFFALO WING SAUCE WITH
COOL AND CREAMY RANCH
FLAVOR IN YOUR MOUTH.

IT'S THE ONLY SNACK BOLD
ENOUGH TO CALL ITSELF
DORITOS® BRAND.

FOR MORE GREAT
DORITOS® BRAND
EXPERIENCES,
CHECK OUT:
WWW. DORITOS. COM

Who writes this dreck, and more to the point, what do they get paid? If you're moved to declaim the text from the stage, or maybe the park bench near Cumby's front door, how do you pronounce "TM" and "®"? They just don't scan right. On the other hand, the meter of the rest of it is also a bit elusive. If it's all the same to the Frito-Lay legal department, I'm BOLD enough to keep calling the things Doritos.

Dorito! Dorito!
I've just crunched a chip called Dorito!
And suddenly my mouth
is blazin' like the South
again!

Home - Writing - Editing - About Susanna - Bloggery - Articles - Poems - Contact

Copyright © Susanna J. Sturgis. All rights reserved.
web site design and CMI by goffgrafix.com of Martha's Vineyard