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Statistical AnalysisApril 18, 2007 The taxes went off yesterday, as did the humongous job that's been in residence since the middle of February; actually it's been in two residences since the middle of February, and last night was the first I'd spent in my new apartment without it under the same roof. I slept soundly, partly because the job was gone (and the second invoice therefor in the mail to Accounts Payable) and partly because I didn't owe any money to either the feds or the state. Hot damn. I'll pay my first-quarterlies by the end of the month, and still have enough to pay rent, board, and -- dare I even think it? -- the entire outstanding balance on my credit card. Life is good. I've long subscribed to the progression that goes "lies, damn lies, and statistics" -- though lately I've modified my view a bit. Statistics can tell you useful things about multitudes, but they can't tell you anything for certain about the person standing in front of you, and they can't tell that person anything for certain about you. "Lies, damn lies, and statistics" has been attributed to various wits, notably Disraeli and Twain, but no one knows who coined the phrase. Googling for the latest word on its attribution, I landed on a page of famous quotes about statistics, where I found this:
Every year the first step I take toward preparing my taxes is printing out Quicken's take on my income and expenses for the year in question. Unlike your average accountant, bookkeeper, or tax preparer, Quicken doesn't laugh at my puny income or my certifiably insane spending priorities. Quicken doesn't lie, either. True, it doesn't know where the cash in my wallet goes, e.g., how many half-gallons of milk, Nutrageous bars, and 99-cent bags of Doritos I buy at Cumby's, but it does have a pretty good idea of how much cash passes through my wallet, e.g., how often I hold up the ATM, get cash back at the grocery store when I use my debit card, or skim a few tens off the top of my income checks before I deposit them. It's pretty funny, but like I said, Quicken doesn't laugh. Anyway, here are some highlights from the 2006 Statistical Profile for Susanna J. Sturgis, Writer, Editor, and Born-Again Horsegirl. I spent about $100 more on gas than I did on booze. Nearly all the booze is beer, apart from a couple of bottles of vodka, a couple of Kahlúa, and the bottle of Pernod I bought in November to celebrate the arrival from Florida of my barnmate's new horse, whose name is -- you're way ahead of me -- Pernod. Throughout 2006 a gallon of gas on Martha's Vineyard cost at least 2 1/2 times what a bottle of beer cost. (At the moment it's closer to 3 times.) In 2006 freight cost me $50 more than booze and $50 less than gas. Freight -- mostly Express Mail, with occasional recourse to UPS, which means driving to Edgartown -- is all work-related. I do most of my editing on paper, and edited manuscripts get overnighted back to the publisher. I drive to the post office and back, but expensing the mileage is way too complicated and besides, when I go to the p.o. I'm almost always on my way to somewhere else, like the barn. Editing at night I'm usually accompanied by a couple of beers, and I sip the beers from a copyeditorial stein, but at least half my drinking is strictly recreational so I don't think I'll try to deduct it. I bought absolutely no new clothing in 2006. Even for a sartorial troglodyte such as myself, this is noteworthy. It also explains why I'm overdue for a new rain slicker and a replacement pair of fair-weather paddock boots. I did get three sweaters from the thrift shop early in the year, but I paid cash for them. I spent a third (well, OK, 37%) as much on books as I did on music. Nearly all the books were work-related. None of the music was, except indirectly: it's essential to my survival, and if I don't survive, I can't work. A year's worth of groceries cost almost exactly the same as my new computer and about $250 more than my new bed. Maintaining Uhura Mazda cost $90 less than maintaining my eyes and my teeth. Not including Uhura's gas, of course, or my beer. Apart from the eyes and the teeth, my body requires minimal maintenance. I'm thinking that I may actually be able to afford the affordable health insurance that the commonwealth has come up with. I'm also thinking that if I actually go to a doctor my medical expenses will go up, what with all the tests doctors make you have in order to (supposedly) keep you healthy, but the insurance will probably pay for the worst of it. I paid $500 more in taxes than I did in rent. Horses are more expensive than dogs. Muwahahahahaha . . . Sorry, I should have told you that was coming. Rhodry had a tough year, what with Lyme (probably), ehrlichia (definitely), allergies, and getting stepped on by Manoog on Christmas Day. For a dog Rhodry is old. For a horse Allie -- whose 11th birthday this is -- is in the prime of life. Allie is also a low-maintenance horse: she goes barefoot year-round and doesn't require an extensive wardrobe. (I did get her a rain sheet and two new saddle blankets last year.) Let's talk numbers. Rhodry cost $1,175.78 last year, of which $75 was food, $20 was the squeaky toy and gourmet cookies I got him for his 12th birthday, and the rest was vet bills, including Heartgard (heartworm prevention) and Frontline (defense against ticks). Allie cost five times that. See why I'm not vacationing in New Zealand this year, and why I'm rarely seen on the U.S. mainland? I aim to lead a life I don't need a vacation from, and if you have a horse, who wants to go on vacation anyway? Lies, damn lies, and rationalizations . . . So I'm thinking about what Rita Mae said about sanity, about how one fourth of all Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Maybe I should take a closer look at my friends? Trouble is, a high percentage of my friends are horse people and I know for a fact that they're as sane as I am.
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